An Open Letter To Taylor Swift, From An Actual 22 Year Old
Taylor Swift, or T-Swift? T-Bone? Teezus? Teezus.
I just want to say that I think it's been really unfair the way the media and consumers of pop culture have treated you over the last couple of years. Your relationships are nobody's business but your own, and I'm sure that the men in your life have all fallen short in some way or another. That isn't hard to see, and it's easy to give you a pass there.
With that said, your latest hit, '22', has ruined my age for me for the foreseeable future, and that is un-freaking-forgivable.
A few weeks ago, before I had heard this song, I loved the fact that I was 22. After all, that's practically 21! Going to the bar legally is still pretty new and working towards a stable career is an exciting challenge! Life was great.
Then, I heard '22.'
Now, whenever someone around the office or in some other arena of life asks me my age and I fail to lie to them about it, someone chimes in with a "twenty-twooooooo-oooooh-oooooooh!" or asks me if I like dressing up like a hipster. As you can imagine, that got old in all of .07 seconds.
First of all, I HATE the way hipsters dress. All of that flannel just looks uncomfortable, my body type does not work well with skinny jeans, and my vision is 20/20, eliminating the need for glasses. Even if I liked the look, you put this song out for the summer. You really think it's a good idea to wear flannel in the summer? I'd sweat more than Charlie Sheen the morning after one of his trademark benders. So that's a huge no go.
Furthermore, T-Swift, maybe being 22 wouldn't be as miserable as you say it is in this song if you didn't bring your exes into the equation TWO LINES INTO THE TRACK. You have publicly said that you think people have turned you into a fictional character based on your failed relationships, yet you bring up your exes in a song completely unrelated to love after eleven words. That almost makes sense.
In fact, singing about your exes in the second line of this song gives off the impression that you are the type of person who compares your current significant other to your exes to their faces, which would explain all of those breakups of yours. That pass I mentioned at the beginning of this letter about the failed relationships? Yeah, I've changed my mind on that one. You may be a younger version of the woman from that movie Misery.
All of the above are minor annoyances, but my biggest issue with your summer anthem is the following: YOU ARE ONLY 23 YEARS OLD.
T-Money, I'm sure a year can feel like an eternity when you are a famous person and have to use secret famous people teleportation devices from the Illuminati to get from Seattle to Zurich to Moscow and back to do three shows in six hours every day. But singing fondly about the memories of being 22 years old only a year later makes you seem like the kind of person who answered the question "do you feel any differently?" that relatives ask kids at their seventh birthday party by throwing a tantrum and lamenting how much things have changed in the one day transition between ages six and seven.
Now, I have been reduced to writing a tally on my wall every day, counting the days to my 23rd birthday, at which point this song no longer applies to me.
Blink 182 may have said that nobody likes you when you're 23, but nobody has liked me when I've been any age, so that's not a problem. At least they didn't demand I wear flannel.
Sincerely not yours,
Jay Sanin, 22 year old